How do you deal with painful emotions?
Tapping into your emotional pain is tough work.
Maybe tough work is not the right word. Feeling painful emotions is simply painful. I’m sure that doesn’t come as a surprise to you. That’s why we resist sitting in our emotional pain and would rather try to manage our emotional states instead.
What I mean by that is to control – to push down, bottle up, ignore or get rid of them. Anything, but to fully experience them.
Does this sound like you?
Maybe you’ve heard of the term flight, fight or freeze. It controls all our basic functions, including survival.
We tend to react first to events and experiences, instead of taking the more proactive approach of understanding them and making choices based upon how best to deal with them.
So it’s not about managing or gaining control of your emotions, but learning how to mange the surge of emotions that can envelope you from time to time.
When I work with clients, I invite them to take a more objective perspective so they can gain an awareness of what’s happening to them. What they are feeling right now?
To understand what’s going on in our heart and head, we must truly listen to ourselves. Only then will we gain the clarity necessary to identify the steps and take action.
Why Do We Struggle To Express Our Emotions?
During childhood we are often deprived of the consent to do so. Whether it’s because of cultural taboos, family or cultural beliefs, we grow up with a lack of information, and indeed our society lacks the education to teach our children about the various intensities of emotions and the body’s reactions to them.
Children often suppress negative emotions, which can manifest through their behaviour. I believe if we sit with our children and tell them that their emotions are a natural part of human nature, it will be easier as adults to learn skills to express emotions in healthy, socially acceptable manners.
Why should we bother with emotions?
Emotions are necessary for us to survive and reproduce as a species. Think of that reptilian brain again. Our emotions motivate us to act quickly in times of danger. They also inspire us to do positive things and restore peace and balance within ourselves. Emotions help us communicate. Our emotions allow others to understand us better through reading body language and facial expressions, so we can better understand others.
That’s why failing to acknowledge our emotions, or ignoring, repressing, dismissing or generally pushing down our emotions causes terrible physical illnesses, which is one reason why avoiding emotional pain only perpetuates it in the long run.
Why do we self medicate and self soothe with food or alcohol?
The best reason I can give is that we act in this way through a desire to seek pleasure and avoid pain. We have a real aversion to discomfort, struggle or inconvenience. It’s not uncommon for people to notice a situation that will cause them discomfort and stop or shut down to avoid it as opposed to looking for ways to overcome it.
How can we process our emotions?
It all starts with giving yourself permission to feel all your emotions and not bottling them up or surpressing them.
When we give ourselves permission to really feel whatever it is we need to feel, the emotion is able to release its chemicals, teach us something about ourselves and then be released from our bodies. Even if we’re not sure why we are experiencing the emotion in the first place, we can learn from it.
Here are seven easy steps to help you process your emotions:
- Step One: Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. Once you become aware of the feeling, stop for a moment. Take a deep breath (it’s easy to hold your breath or breathe shallowly from the chest). Be with the emotion. Don’t distract yourself or push it away, push it down, ignore it or fight it.
- Step Two: Give yourself permission to be angry, cry, to feel frustrated, hurt, or whatever emotion comes.
- Step Three: Breathe and fully accept the emotion into your body. By breathing through it, you allow it to crest and recede like a wave. It’s through acceptance that you can self-soothe, allowing that compassionate part of you to come forth and comfort you.
- Step Four: I’ve been a meditator for some twenty years and this step comes from the practice of Vipassana meditation (“to see things as they really are”), where you start to witness your emotion instead of becoming caught up in it. This is the time to get really curious about your emotional experience. Where are you feeling this emotion in your body? What thoughts are going through your mind? As you start to do this, you will realize that emotions are impermanent. They come and go, rise and fall. They are simply experiences; don’t label them good or bad. They are not you, but an experience that flows through you.
- Step Five: Be open to the lessons our emotions have to teach us. Why do you feel this way? Were you affected by someone’s actions or an event? How have you interpreted this with your beliefs, judgments, expectations and the values that have contributed to this emotion? If you have found that emotion in a certain part of your body, ask that part for answers. For example, the saying, “You’re a pain in the neck” could refer to holding a particular emotion about a person in the neck. A friend and registered nurse shared this great saying: “The issues are in the tissues.” So start scanning your body for it contains the inner wisdom that will shine a light on the situation and give you new insights to move forward in your life.
- Step Six: Remember, negative thinking comes from past thoughts and we are in charge of our thoughts. If you have thoughts that recur with a particular trigger, this indicates there is an energy or fear around it, like a residue that will keep returning until you move through and process it. Sometimes we need help if we can’t self-soothe ourselves, so call in your superhero or kind and loving part of yourself and together work out a strategy or way to move forward.
- Step Seven: Just as you give your car biannual check-ups, try getting some body maintenance! Looking after your body is important for emotional balance. Consider Pilates, tai chi or yoga to bring the body and mind together. Yoga’s deep breathing and meditation helps relieve stress and de-clutter the mind, leaving you feeling calm and focused. Consider what you eat and drink in relation to emotions.
Tapping into your emotions helps you to move past your fear, pain or hurt so you can eventually move on.
What could you start doing today to sit more comfortably with your emotions?
You can read the full chapter, Processing Emotions in Fiona Craig’s award winning self-help book, “Stuck in a Rut – How to rescue yourself & live your truth”.
Fiona is a life coach, NLP practitioner and psychotherapist. She has been interviewed by The Australian Women’s Weekly, and The New Daily and written articles for Collective Magazine, Herald Sun Melbourne, Sunday Life Magazine, Career One, I Am Woman Magazine and Women’s Fitness magazine plus several online publications. You can learn more about working with Fiona at www.lifebalancecoach.com.au or call 0405 433 217.
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